How I Met Your Mother - Shelter Island   View more episodes

Aired at 04:00 PM on Friday, Sep 11, 2015 (9/11/2015)      View all transcripts from this day

Transcript

00:00:02We just had dinner with Stella's sister and her fiancé.
00:00:04They're getting married before us.
00:00:06Okay, you know how you've dreamt about your perfect wedding day ever since you were a little girl?
00:00:09Yeah.
00:00:09Totally.
00:00:11My sister is stealing my dream wedding.
00:00:12Down to every last detail-- onShelter Island,atsunset, ...just down the beach from our family's old summer house.
00:00:21It's my dream wedding.
00:00:23Hmm.
00:00:24I'm gonna finish this.
00:00:26Uh, the lamb here is supposed to be great.
00:00:30Oh. I'm a vegan.
00:00:31I wish Icould tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder, but I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.
00:00:39That's 'cause you need protein.
00:00:42I'll have the lamb.
00:00:46Okay, new goal: I want our wedding to kick her wedding's ass.
00:00:51I want our wedding to take her wedding's head and shove it in the toilet and flush it, like, 20 times.
00:00:56Oh, Ted, in high school, you were her wedding, weren't you?
00:00:59(chuckles) You know, she's always trying to one-up me.
00:01:02I mean, I love her, but...
00:01:04there's a little part of me that kinda wishes this whole thing would just fall apart.
00:01:07I hate him.
00:01:08I hate him.
00:01:10I hate him!
00:01:11God, thissteak issogood!
00:01:12Four days to go and he just runs off with the vitamin consultant from Whole Foods?
00:01:15I gave up makeup for him.
00:01:17I gave up showering for him.
00:01:19I gave up shaving my armpits for him.
00:01:20Hard to imagine where it all went wrong.
00:01:24And now it's so close to the wedding...
00:01:25There's like bacon or something in this dipping sauce.
00:01:27I love it.
00:01:28I can't get any refunds.
00:01:29I'm gonna be out thousands of dollars.
00:01:30Narrator: Kids, when you're in a relationship, you develop a kind of telepathy with your partner.
00:01:35STELLA (thinking): What do you think?
00:01:37We could help her out.
00:01:38TED (thinking): No, Stella, weshould help her out.
00:01:43Let's pay for dinner.
00:01:46Nora.
00:01:48Don't worry.
00:01:49We got this.
00:01:50That's right.
00:01:51We'll take over your wedding, pay you back for everything you spent.
00:01:54Ted and I will get married this Sunday.
00:01:59Captioning sponsored by 20Th century fox television Wow. We're getting married this Sunday?
00:05:11Are we sure we're ready for this?
00:05:13Ted, I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide he was "ready" for this, but he never got ready for this.
00:05:20That's why we never got married.
00:05:22Come on, let's just be spontaneous.
00:05:24I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this.
00:05:28Okay, I'm in.
00:05:30And I'm also... spontaneous.
00:05:36I wish I hadn't done that.
00:05:39Narrator: Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now: Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding.
00:05:48If someone had given me that advice, well, it would have changed everything.
00:05:52Come on, you've got to come; it's my wedding.
00:05:54I can't.
00:05:55I'm in Tokyo.
00:05:56It's my first week on the job.
00:05:58I can't just take off.
00:06:00Plus, I'm finally doing serious news.
00:06:05Robin was doing serious news.
00:06:06It was the number one English news network in Japan.
00:06:09Of course, the news was a little different over there.
00:06:12(yelling in Japanese) (fan whirs) The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest...
00:06:19rates unchanged.
00:06:21It's my wedding.
00:06:22You have to be there.
00:06:24Okay. Okay.
00:06:24I'll be there.
00:06:25Whoops, I gotta go.
00:06:28Good evening.
00:06:29(chittering) And I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
00:06:33Peace talks were stalled once again in the Middle East.
00:06:37Despite a promising start to the latest negotiations, talks foundered on security issues.
00:06:45She's in.
00:06:45Oh...!
00:06:45Yes!
00:06:46All right, Ted, your bachelor party, tonight.
00:06:48I have got three of the most physically and morally flexible exotic dancers you have ever seen...
00:06:52Can't, there's no time.
00:06:54Okay, I'll let you know how it goes.
00:06:55Marshall, we should really rent the cars for tomorrow, huh?
00:06:57Sure.
00:07:00(chuckles softly) What?
00:07:03No "Don't get married, Ted"?
00:07:06No "You're making a big mistake, Ted"?
00:07:09Barney Stinson...
00:07:10are you no longer committed to the war on marriage?
00:07:14No, I just know a hopeless cause when I see it.
00:07:17It's the same reason I don't recycle.
00:07:19Plus, Ted getting married is in my best interest.
00:07:24You see...
00:07:25lately I've been working on a problem of the utmost importance.
00:07:30I confess I was stumped.
00:07:32Until one night I decided to tackle it once and for all.
00:07:49Then, at last, I cracked the code.
00:08:00So you're back on Robin.
00:08:02Hopefully.
00:08:03I mean, this weekend is the best chance ever to hook up with her again.
00:08:07You'll never pull it off.
00:08:08There's too many distractions.
00:08:10The first drunk bridesmaid you see, you'll have your head under her dress like an old-time photographer.
00:08:15Narrator: And so, the day before our wedding, Stella and I made the trip up to Shelter Island.
00:08:20With everyone else not far behind.
00:08:24Zitch dog.
00:08:25..
00:08:25Zog...
00:08:27This isn't exactly where I pictured Ted getting married.
00:08:31"The Namaste Yoga and Meditation Collective." I don't know about you guys, but Nama-stay here any longer than I have to.
00:08:37(laughs) Sweetie, go check in with that dirty hippie over there and we'll get some drinks.
00:08:45So, uh... (sighs) what scotches you got?
00:08:49Oh, here at the center, we have a very strict no-alcohol policy.
00:08:52(gasps, dramatic music plays) Great, and all the meals are included, right?
00:08:56Yep, and they're all 100% vegan.
00:08:59(gasps, dramatic music plays) No.
00:09:02I need alcohol.
00:09:03I'm not gonna get Robin with this stuff.
00:09:06Look at this.
00:09:08Berry Blaster Brain Revitalizer.
00:09:12My God, some of these drinks could actually make a girl smarter.
00:09:14What sort of hell has Ted brought us to?
00:09:16There's no meat.
00:09:18There's no alcohol.
00:09:19It gets worse: I'm 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.
00:09:25(gasp, dramatic music plays) Hey, guys, Stella and I have a little problem.
00:09:31Oh, the programs look great.
00:09:33I mean, it's not our names on the front, but otherwise, really nice.
00:09:37Oh, hey, I talked to Robin.
00:09:39She's running a little bit late, but she'll be here just under the wire.
00:09:42You invited Robin?
00:09:44You like Robin.
00:09:45Yeah, but she's your ex-girlfriend.
00:09:48It's weird.
00:09:48It's not weird.
00:09:50It is weird.
00:09:50You don't get what it's like for a bride to see her groom's ex at their wedding.
00:09:54Oh, Stella.
00:09:57Your new husband used to nail me, like, three times a day.
00:10:03Having exes around-- I don't know, it brings up...
00:10:08unresolved things.
00:10:10How do you know that that spark won't come back with your ex sitting out there?
00:10:13Come on, we're just friends.
00:10:14Plus, Robin and I already had our backslide-- last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.
00:10:18Did you place a large bet against yourself in this argument?
00:10:22She already got her ticket.
00:10:23Ted, it's important to me.
00:10:26I would never invite Lucy's dad.
00:10:27I wouldn't care if you did.
00:10:29Tony's great.
00:10:30Let's invite him, too.
00:10:31No, Tony is the last person I want at our wedding, okay?
00:10:36And Robin is a close second.
00:10:41I don't know.
00:10:42I kinda get the no exes thing.
00:10:44Why ask a failed romance to come and watch your successful one?
00:10:47It's like inviting the Seattle Mariners to a World Series game.
00:10:50It's just weird for everyone.
00:10:52Dude, Robin has to be here.
00:10:54She shouldn't come.
00:10:55What are you talk...
00:10:55Justice Aldrin, tie-breaking vote.
00:10:58(sighs heavily) Okay, wouldn't feel right without Robin.
00:11:02But you don't mess with the bride.
00:11:05I'm gonna tell her not to come.
00:11:07Oh, no, Ted.
00:11:08It's the right decision, Ted.
00:11:10This is gonna be, like, the worst phone conversation of all time.
00:11:13Ted, Ted, Ted.
00:11:14Co-best man-- I'm on it.
00:11:18(phone ringing) Hello?
00:11:22Robin, where are you?
00:11:23Uh, just heading to the airport.
00:11:25Okay, we'll see you soon.
00:11:27Have a great flight.
00:11:31Bad news.
00:11:32I couldn't reach her.
00:11:33Robin's already on her way.
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00:12:27Eight pieces of Original Recipe chicken, two large mashed potatoes and gravy, a large coleslaw, and 4 biscuits.
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00:14:16Okay, Robin's on her way.
00:14:17You know what, I'm glad.
00:14:18Exes should be allowed to come to weddings.
00:14:20I'll just tell Stella she's got to deal with it.
00:14:23I think you need to be more delicate with Stella about this whole Robin thing.
00:14:27What do you mean by "delicate"?
00:14:27Brides are under a lot of stress before a wedding.
00:14:30I mean, of course, I held it together pretty well.
00:14:34(laughing) You don't remember?
00:14:38(whimpering) The florist just told me the roses are more light medium-pink than medium-pink.
00:14:45Light medium-pink!
00:14:46(crying): Everything's ruined!
00:14:50Our wedding site uses a gravity furnace instead of forced-air heating.
00:14:54That's the one thing I cared about.
00:14:56(crying): Why are we even getting married?
00:15:01Blobbity-blah.
00:15:03Wickity-wah.
00:15:04Eeky, eeky, eeky, eeky whee!
00:15:07(sobbing) After a while, it's all noise.
00:15:12Poor Stella's had to jam months of crazy into just three days.
00:15:14So what do I do?
00:15:16You wait for the next crisis, you solve it, you're a hero.
00:15:20Then you bring up the Robin thing, but this time she'll say yes.
00:15:23Yeah, but what if there's no next crisis?
00:15:25(chuckling) She's a bride.
00:15:28There will be a next crisis.
00:15:33There's a next crisis.
00:15:34Awesome! What is it?
00:15:36My daughter, my own daughter isn't coming to our wedding.
00:15:38What?
00:15:39Tony's supposed to drive her up tomorrow, but now he's being all petty about me getting married, and he won't do it.
00:15:45It's been five years.
00:15:46Why can't we just move on already?
00:15:49So first thing tomorrow, I drive down, talk to him, get him to let me drive Lucy up, then, boom, crisis solved.
00:15:55Stella's happy.
00:15:56Robin comes to the wedding.
00:15:59Hey.
00:16:00You Barney?
00:16:01Yes.
00:16:01I hear you're a real man whore, so listen up.
00:16:04Tomorrow night, I want to do things so dirty and so depraved that I forget that this was supposed to be my wedding.
00:16:10I... I'm kind of here with someone.
00:16:14Bring her.
00:16:15(gasps) Never going to make it.
00:16:18Narrator: So the morning of my wedding day, I made the trip back to Tony's house to get Lucy.
00:16:27Ted...
00:16:28Tony...
00:16:29Doing a little karate?
00:16:33(yelling) Sorry, sorry, man.
00:16:35You just set off my internal defense alarm.
00:16:38You got to watch these things.
00:16:39Stay alert, stay alive.
00:16:40Right.
00:16:41So what brings you here?
00:16:42I thought you'd be off in some honeymoon suite with my woman right now.
00:16:46Not yet. Soon.
00:16:48That's right, tonight's the night.
00:16:50Yeah! Oh, man, you are going to be sticking it to the mother of my child.
00:16:54Actually, I've already stuck it to her plenty of times.
00:16:57Why do I always have to correct people?
00:16:59Ah, man, you and Stella.
00:17:01You lucky dog.
00:17:03I could just...
00:17:05(yelling) I'm so happy for you guys.
00:17:09Yeah, uh, hey, listen, here's the thing-- uh, Lucy...
00:17:14You can't take her.
00:17:15Tony, stop. Look...
00:17:17this is a big day for Lucy, too.
00:17:18You're going to have to put aside your own issues and think about what's best for her here.
00:17:22Whether you like it or not, she really should be at her mother's wedding.
00:17:26So, I'm taking Lucy with me.
00:17:31You're right, man.
00:17:34You're right.
00:17:35I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:17:37It's just...
00:17:37seeing you guys...
00:17:40has made me realize everything I had.
00:17:43Hey, hey, hey...
00:17:43let's stop hugging.
00:17:48I'm sorry.
00:17:51Lucy means the world to me.
00:17:52And I feel like I'm losing her to this new family-- a family I'm not even a part of.
00:17:55Oh, come on, sure you are.
00:17:57No, I'm not. I wasn't even invited to the wedding.
00:18:00Well, you are now.
00:18:05Road trip.
00:18:07(giggling) Right?
00:18:12Road Trip 2-- Back in the Car.
00:18:17So, today's the day.
00:18:19You hydrating?
00:18:20Dear female, thank you for your interest in Barney Stinson...
00:18:25Your back is going to look like a Jackson Pollack.
00:18:27(moaning) I regret to inform you that at this time...
00:18:31I was a vegan for twyears.
00:18:33I need meat.
00:18:33...there are currently no positions available.
00:18:37I'm a yoga instructor.
00:18:38Every position is available.
00:18:41(groans) Your room, 20 minutes.
00:18:43No foreplay.
00:18:44Huh... huh... huh...
00:18:45I'm not going to make it, am I?
00:18:48Not a chance.
00:18:50(muffled groan) Okay, just remember, let me talk to Stella first, okay?
00:18:57Mommy! Mommy!
00:18:59Ted invited Daddy!
00:19:01Hi, sweetie.
00:19:02I missed you.
00:19:04Give me just a sec, okay?
00:19:07Hey.
00:19:07Hey, Tony.
00:19:08Daddy.
00:19:09Hey.
00:19:09You invited Tony?
00:19:11To our wedding?!
00:19:12Ted, we talked about this.
00:19:13No exes at our wedding.
00:19:15Why would you do this?
00:19:16Oh, boy. What did Ted do this time?
00:19:58to are more likely to have a successful future.
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00:20:16Your words have the power toshape their world.
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00:22:17Ted, what is Robin doing here?
00:22:18I thought I made myself clear.
00:22:20No exes at our wedding.
00:22:21To be fair...
00:22:24your ex is here.
00:22:25You invited him!
00:22:26Come on, it's not weird.
00:22:28It is weird.
00:22:29It's like things are not finished between you two.
00:22:32And Tony...
00:22:33I can't deal with Tony right now.
00:22:34Can you please go out there and tell him to leave?
00:22:37You can make me the bad guy.
00:22:38I'll go talk to Robin, so she knows it's nothing personal.
00:22:42Okay.
00:22:43Narrator: And, kids, if I had just let Stella talk to Robin, this whole story might have ended differently.
00:22:50I understand.
00:22:52I get it.
00:22:53Man: For the first time, Ted and Stella Mosby.
00:22:57And that's how I met your mother.
00:23:01Blah, blah, blah.
00:23:02Is your dad finally done yakking?
00:23:04Now, come on, who wants ice cream?
00:23:07But I didn't.
00:23:08Look, can you talk to Tony?
00:23:09Robin flew all the way here from Tokyo.
00:23:11I should talk to her.
00:23:13Sure.
00:23:16Okay.
00:23:20Hi.
00:23:21Hey.
00:23:21Sorry about running off like that.
00:23:23Oh, it's okay.
00:23:23You would not believe the trip I just had.
00:23:25I was on a plane for almost a full day.
00:23:28But it is worth it to see you get married.
00:23:30How could I not be here...?
00:23:30You can't come to the wedding.
00:23:32Oh, thank God!
00:23:33What?
00:23:34Ted, it's weird.
00:23:35It's not weird!
00:23:37It is weird.
00:23:37Do you know how it feels to be somebody's ex at their wedding?
00:23:41Robin.
00:23:41Stella.
00:23:43Oh... suck it, bitch! I win!
00:23:48We broke up over a year ago.
00:23:50Yeah, but that's not that long ago.
00:23:52Watching your marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to.
00:23:57I don't know, I just thought if I ever changed my mind about marriage and kids, it was... it was nice to know that you were there.
00:24:05So, I was your safety school-- how flattering.
00:24:07No, that's not it.
00:24:08It's just that...
00:24:09Why are you bringing any of this up?
00:24:11There's nothing between us anymore.
00:24:12Well, maybe there is.
00:24:14I mean, of course there is.
00:24:16That kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace.
00:24:19Look, I'm not just another guest here, Ted.
00:24:22Right. We used to date, but we both moved on.
00:24:26And, look, we got what we wanted-- I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo.
00:24:30And they all lived happily ever...
00:24:32I quit my job.
00:24:33You what?
00:24:34I'm moving back to New York.
00:24:35I thought I wanted that job, but...
00:24:38I want to come back to my real life.
00:24:42And I think you should go back to yours.
00:24:45What's that supposed to mean?
00:24:50Don't get married.
00:24:53Look, you're rushing into this.
00:24:54It's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book.
00:24:58Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know.
00:25:00You stole a blue French horn for me.
00:25:03You tried to make it rain.
00:25:04I did make it rain.
00:25:04It was a coincidence.
00:25:06But after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end?
00:25:11You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought.
00:25:17That's not the amazing ending that you deserve.
00:25:22That's not Ted Mosby.
00:25:29I love Stella.
00:25:31She's the one.
00:25:32If you really feel that way...
00:25:35I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all.
00:25:47Hey, Robin.
00:25:49Barney.
00:25:50I am having a horrible day.
00:25:52I snuck some scotch in from the duty free store.
00:25:55You want to join me?
00:25:56Yeah, yeah. Let's go to your room.
00:25:58Far away from this room.
00:25:59And we can knock it back.
00:26:01They didn't get me a room.
00:26:02I was actually hoping I could stay with you.
00:26:05No problem.
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